Top 20 Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” — A.J. Jacobs

“My whole life has been a lie. I thought I was a strong, independent woman, but it turns out I’m just a pawn in my cat’s game of world domination.” — A.J. Jacobs

“In a recent Valentine’s Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that – oh, who cares?” — Amy Poehler

“I’m a laugh tart. I make no secret of that fact.” — Catherine Tate

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” — Phyllis Diller

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” — Jon Stewart

“If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.” — Brendan Behan

“I like to go to parties where I know everyone. How are you going to have fun with people you don’t know?” — Rachel McAdams

“I get half a million just to show up at parties. My life is, like, really, really fun.” — Paris Hilton

“Sometimes I’m so sweet even I can’t stand it.” — Julie Andrews

“Husbands are like fires – they go out when they’re left unattended.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I’m bad on Valentine’s Day, but even worse on Christmas. I go shopping at nine o’clock on December 24th every year.” — Jamie Foxx

“There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.” — Kristen Wiig

“I stone got crazy when I saw somebody run down them strings with a bottleneck.” — Elmore James

“I’m so depressed. Christmas is the worst of all. Holidays are terrible, worse than Sundays.” — David Byrne

“Orphans, dead parents, lonely children at Christmas, morose spoken word recordings, everything you love about the holidays.” — April Winchell

“I’m a disorganized mess. My purse is gross: I once found a shoulder pad, string cheese, and a Christmas ornament in it!” — Ellen DeGeneres

“I never drank except a couple sips of wine at Thanksgiving.” — Bryan Cranston

“I doubt if you can have a truly wild party without liquor.” — Carl Sandburg

“Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.” — Barbara Walters